Friday 28th June

I lost the plot last night. It's not big and it's not clever. The golden rule while you're here is to take it easy in the first couple of days (that's if you've arrived early), nothing too heavy. A few large vodkas should see you in the mood OK for a Thursday, leaving you fit for high grade naughtiness on the main nights otherwise you're just a burnt out shell by Friday evening. Or at least that's the theory. In typical fashion I choose to go out and get blitzed, wandering the site with my air horn and screaming 'bollocks' from the stone circle. I only have myself to blame, every year I do the same thing, every year I resolve to be a bit better behaved next year and every following year I screw it up all over again. Go figure. I'm still running into all manner of basket cases, this place is turning into a circus. Yesterday I met a chap called Joseph Peace from Manchester, decked out in the most fabulous sparkly silver shirt and denim skirt with the most erm... conventional haircut; bald apart from two dyed red devil horns, lovingly crafted by a one Josephine Nation (Peace Nation... hmmm I smell a rat), believe it or not this bloke has a gas-powered fridge in his tent, the beers inside were sooo cold.... Later in the evening I pass again and am greeted by Joseph in a full-body fireproof suit which he proudly demonstrates by diving into the camp fire and posing for photos with the flames licking round his 'nads. Freak.... The Radio 1 stage is has been going full tilt for much of last night pulling large crowds, loads of shape-throwing in the area. I even hear somebody chanting 'I got a big telly and a mic-ro-wave' to accompany his shelf-stacking. Aah, the memories. Searching for an original retort to this volley I use my trump card; 'Bollocks.' I'm now going to get myself something to eat then carry on exploring the nutters in the area. But not before I head back and nick a cold beer from Joseph and Josephine's fridge. Hopefully Joseph's not been dangling his plums in there after last night. Ew... Words: Stalker